Is that the voice in my head…

That tells me to kill and kill again? Why yes! Yes it is! No, I’m not off to kill people…not yet at least…but yet once again, I’ve become compelled to try and kill out plant life and this time I’m starting at the root of it. Seeds, actually.

Truth be told, gardening is not my forte. I like to say that I’m allergic to life – grasses, pollens and trees make me sneeze and itch. Ragweed gets my eyes all red and icky. Mold gives me an awful headache. I hate being in dirt, having it get under my fingernails. I don’t know a weed from a flower and rather like thistles anyhow and don’t think they should be classified as something that needs to be shunned. Well, it shouldn’t be called a weed. If there’s a police that protected plants or a Plant Protective Services out there, they’d have a thick file on my transgressions against plant life. Let’s take a look at some of my case files.

Case File #004 – The Science Project
It was a simple enough task. Grow something out of a bean for science class, in science class. Seems like something you can’t really mess up while in the hands of a trained professional. Thirteen kids in my class grew cute vines to take home. I wound up with a cup of lifeless dirt. It was as if I stole whatever soul a fava bean possesses.

Case File #081 – The Carrot Top
I have no idea where I read this, but apparently you can grow shit off a carrot top. My sister and I proceed to eat all the carrots in the fridge, save for the carrot tops so we could grow them. Lil sis wound up with cute shoots of green that eventually died…cause you know I never figured out WHY you’d do this, but I guess you’re supposed to plant them in dirt…while I wound up with black chunks of…well…something.

Case File #152 – The Science Project Revisited
Ok, I must admit, this was a different project and an older and not much wiser fae. I attempted to grow three seeds from three different diets. Victim one received a normal diet of water and actually thrived till it grew enough to realize who I was before committing a quick suicide. Victim two was fed coke. Initially it grew well before turning into mush. I think it was poisoned. Victim three was fed pure vodka…or maybe it was whiskey. Regardless, it was cheap. Poor thing never had a chance.

Case File #409 – Romancing the Garden
I was actually about 18 when my parents moved into the house they currently live in and the gardens for it were beautiful. So beautiful that the former owners had a gardener or landscaping company that maintained it which is a good thing cause after having had to clean up the kitchen of what must have been several months worth of bitter divorce fighting, the garden would have been filled with spilt/splattered coffee and yanked hair. Since gardens are like…outside, I bet there would have been broken coffee cups too.

Anyhow, yours truly got sent out to take care of weeds and as you know, I’m kinda hazy on the subject. However it was a beautiful setting – beautiful gardens, nice neighbourhood and a gorgeous summer afternoon. Somehow I’d gotten into my head that pulling weeds was graceful, Victorian thing – romantic! So I decked out in a lovely summer dress and shimmering strand of pearls before heading out into front yard with a basket for my pullings. Man…was I ever in for a rude awakening.

After about…fifteen seconds…nature reiterated that NC does, indeed, have hot and humid summers and I HATE being hot and sweaty. I also came to the realization that dirt was doing nothing for my wicked cool French mani (light blue tips against a darker blue – I was soooooooooo before my time, bitches!) and I still didn’t have the whole weed vs. plant thing down so I was just randomly grabbing green anyhow and yanking. And that, my friends, brought me to the monkey that broke the straws back. I don’t know what the hell it was, but I found myself holding some sort of grassy clump with ants pouring out on my hands. Game over. Screw you guys, I’m going home. Screaming my head like a lil bitch while doing so.

Case File #1001 Set It and Forget It
My last attempt at growing something happened here in Germany. E’s boss’s wife gave me a plant to welcome me to hell. It was a very sweet gesture that I worried over because well…as you can see, I have a history about not getting along with plants. However, she assured me that all I needed to do was water it ever once and a while. Easy peasy, right? Heh…I wish! Poor thing sickened on the ledge of my dining room window and one day managed to find itself outside in a snowstorm.

So what’s the point of this rather lengthy post? My black thumbs have been itchy and I’ve decided to try, yet again, to bring forth life from dirt. I’ve been told this is simple enough and there’s nothing more fulfilling than growing your own herbs. I’ve started with two of my favourites, dill and chives and added on parsley cause I’ve heard it’s under-utilized. My seeds are mixed in Miracle Gro…or Grow…whatever it’s called. Cause let’s face it. I need one to get these babies going.