10 Things I Learned in a German Hospital

These next few blog posts were actually thought of (during lucid moments) then written on paper (when I got a hold of E and his wallet and dragged him to the gift shop for supplies) while staying at the krakenhaus (hospital). They may, at times, seem to jump around datelessly or repeat one another at points. For that I ask the forgiveness of my loyal readers.

1. It’s possible to look so dreadful that you do not get to stop and collect $200 (or is that (or should that be €200?) – You go directly to a gurney and the paperwork will eventually catch up.
2. Some Schwesters are more like Nurse Ratchet. I have no idea who that is but she sounds like a mean person. While much to my delight it can be reported that most the schwesters were absolutely wonderful women, I encountered this one woman who was totally not. I mean…maybe it was cause she seemed to constantly scowl at me and quite roughly try to get my blood pressure. It was like she felt it took a lot of gall to show up in her ER and be sick.
3. I’m glad I wore brand new panties cause while I figured I’d be dropping trou, I had no idea they’d be prominently on display as it would seem my affliction would be abnormal enough to warrant the amount of people who were looking at me. I really dislike the vulnerability of being so on display – thank god for blankets!
4. German ingenuity has set it so pillows are collapsible for ease in transport and storage. Unfortunately it also means they collapse under the weight of your head, thus rendering them useless. Mattresses aren’t much better. I’ve started this blog post the old fashioned way – with pen to paper and from where I’m sitting, just looking at my bed makes my arse go numb! >.<’
5. Saying you have no pants on around these parts mean “you have no panties on”. To save on shock value and confusion, refer to them as trousers.
6. Thank goodness for understanding roomies. Mine, of course, is German however she speaks rather good English. This has been helpful when doing things such as ordering meals…I’m still wondering what ever happened to my chicken noodle soup since the stuff in my bowl was more like farina…or gruel. Ok, It wasn’t that bad…kinda homey, actually. Anyhow, she’s been a real dear. I was pretty much in and out of it my first day in and at one point I gave a chortle so loud (in my sleep) that it woke me up (obviously, since I mentioned sleep in the last set of parentheses) and I found her observing me with a grin. Hopefully I’m too sick to give my usual multi-o’s while sleeping cause I don’t think she’ll find that quite as funny.
7. If I ever need a CT Scan of my head…They’re gonna have to sedate me. Luckily this was just my leg but the closer I got to the circle, the more panicky I got.
8. That being said, when they say injecting the dye might bring on a weird feeling of pressure, wave of heat and sudden urge to pee, what they really mean is that it’s going to shock and surprise you so bad that you flail about on the able and by the time you want to question the weirdness of it all, it’s all over and you’re scooting back onto your bed.
9. You know the food is bad when you notice your growling stomach is dueling with the person’s who can actually eat and drink.
10. Your natural stealth rating goes down by -50 when you’re attached to an IV. It may have helped if the wheels of my trolley would roll. That seems to be an ongoing issue as it seems my bedside table won’t roll either.
11. Night schwesters like to wake you up by causing pain. Usually in fiddling with said IV – replacing saline, connecting to antibiotics…doing gods know what with my hand. I think that last schwester was about to get smacked since I woke up feeling with her messing with my hand and for a moment I forgot what was going on – luckily I lifted from my sleep fog.

Other small things of note:

• My condition is apparently so odd that three doctors come in for rounds.
  
• Elektroniks don’t like me – I don’t think anybody’s been able to get my bp and my pulse most certainly is NOT 485.
  
• On that note about bp – getting that done on the same arm as an iv hurts like a bitch!
  
• Injections to the thigh don’t’ hurt as much as I thought they would. To be honest the first one didn’t hurt at all but I was really out of it.
  
• The shower in my room is super claustrophobic. I was doing ok till I hit my IV line which not only hurt but made me freak out. There’s just nothing graceful about dripping all over the place trying to breathe and not pass out.